


what it would be like to love you

by starswillow



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but like not entirely, idk im bad at tagging, ig, kind of found family, neil centric anderperry???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:15:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29441019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starswillow/pseuds/starswillow
Summary: the things and moments neil perry lives for
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	what it would be like to love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carpedream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpedream/gifts).



Neil oftentimes forgot his friends loved and supported him and his goals just as much, if not more, than he did theirs. 

It was silly, really. Everyone at Welton wanted to be Neil Perry. But Neil felt he was always the example in the things he didn’t give a shit about. 

As far as Neil was concerned he wasn’t a good student, a good teammate, or a good son.

He was a good actor, and a good friend, and a good **boy** friend. 

His greatest success stories were confined to whispers in caves off campus, where he shared moments of art and passion with the people he really loved. Holed up in small theaters, blocking scenes and running lines. Crammed into tight corners in dorm rooms, lips pressed to lips, cheeks, necks; hands running through hair, or fingers brushing prominent cheekbones, or fists balled in one another’s shirts. 

Neil felt if he could only be good at two things ever he would want it to be acting, and loving Todd Anderson. 

God, how he loved Todd Anderson. 

His beautiful, shy, talented roommate. Everything Todd had to say was gold. He was the most incredible boy Neil had ever met. And Neil was _so good_ at loving Todd, even when he couldn’t do so in the public eye. 

From late night studying, pinkies linked and legs overlapping as they read from textbooks and scribbled out equations, to early morning kisses, fresh sunlight pooling in through the windows making Todd look like he’s glowing as Neil brushing his lips across every part of his face. 

Todd, on the other hand, never felt he was good at anything. 

If you asked Todd, Neil hung the stars in the sky. He was the source of all things beautiful in the world. Any sunset was dull in comparison to the way his eyes shone when looking at Todd. 

And Todd _lived_ to love Neil as much as Neil loved him. 

But Neil often forgets how much his friends love him, and he spends nights sobbing into his pillow, longing for the safety of being held in Todd’s arms. Longing for the comfort he _needs_ , but being unable to reach out. Too scared to let anyone know how much he’s hurting. 

And when Todd wakes up to an empty bed and muffled sobs sounding from across the room, he never questions reaching out for Neil. Offering a life bouy to the frail, drowning boy. 

_‘I love you’_ He’d whisper, rubbing Neil’s back and resting his chin on top of Neil’s head. _‘I love you so much, please don’t forget that. I’m right here, Neil, i’m not going anywhere.’_

They never talked about these nights, when Neil couldn’t cry enough and Todd couldn’t say enough and morning wouldn’t come fast enough, but they were important. They added a sense of trust to the relationship. They knew every detail of one another, their favorite colors and deepest secrets, the places Todd was ticklish and the freckles lightly dotting Neil’s back. 

Sometimes, when one of the two had trouble sleeping, they dreamt of living in New York. Neil would be an actor, and Todd would be a poet. They’d fly Knox and Charlie in to come to Neil’s award shows, and they’d visit Meeks and Pitts wherever they ended up. It would be perfect, like the closing scene of a disney movie or the last page of a fairy tale. 

Sometimes, if Neil closed his eyes for long enough, he could see it. Sometimes he allowed himself to believe in it. 

But morning came, and the weight of other’s expectations fell back on his shoulders. Because he could never really be an actor. And Todd could never really be a writer. And they could absolutely never be themselves, not in the real world. Not even in New York. 

So when Neil is in the cave, smoking pipes and telling stories and reading poetry with his friends, in the moments he really feels alive, he pretends life could always be like this. His hand in Todd’s, Charlie’s voice echoing off the walls as Knox stared up at him, Meeks laughing at a comment Pitts made to Cameron. He imagined them 10 years older, still meeting every weekend to read passages of Thoreau and Whitman to one another. The idea, no matter how unrealistic, was enough to make life seem worth living. 

And that night, when they snuck back into their dorms, he slept in Todd’s bed. They slept peacefully, wrapping in one another’s arms, feeling safe.

 _‘Yeah,’_ Neil thought. _‘Maybe life is worth living.’_


End file.
